I hate sneezing.

I fucking hate sneezing. There's nothing, abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING good that comes from sneezing.
It starts with that awful feeling you get right before you consciously realize you're about to blow snot-bombs across the room. The tickle that niggles at that spot between your brain and your sinuses is one of the most annoying feelings in the world, because it precedes the embarrassing "ah-ah-ah" that makes everyone around you duck-and-cover.
Then there's the face you HAVE to make pre-booger-launch. One eye is bugged out like someone squeezed your head stress-ball style, and the other one is either crossed or squinted AND crossed, or maybe just swollen shut from all the previous sneezes. Regardless, once the actual sneeze commences, both eyes shut and then you're left with red, watery itchy dragon eyes when you're done with the mini head-splosion.
Also, tissues?! Probably one of the worst parts of having to sneeze, because you never ever ever never have a tissue in hand for the nasty sneezes. You know, the yellow ones that make you look like you're the Patient Zero of the beginning of the Zombie-Flu/Cold. Yeah, those. You never have tissues for those, but for the girly, dainty ones you have them. Or you have tissues when you don't even HAVE a cold/sneezes, so you look like a twat just having a bunch of loose snot-rags floating around your purse.

Fucking Puffs.

"A nose in need, deserves puffs indeed."

Yeah, well fuck you Puffs. Where are you when I need you?! And the friggin' commercials make it seem like every person you're sitting next to has a box with the lotioned-tissues, when in reality, people are really thinking that you're an ass-monkey who should be locked in a white-roomed quarantine for wanting to spread your Yellow-Boogie-Zombie-Flu Germs.
Well, thanks. I just wanted to come to the library to study. Stop looking at me like I'm the start of the Bubonic Plague, or I swear to G-d I'll aim the next Snot-Shot at your laptop. Yeah, I will. Don't try me.

If, on the very unlikely, very off-chance that you're in the bathroom when you sneeze, you don't get tissues. You get toilet paper or paper towels, and it's NEVER the quilted, soft TP that's supposed to make your skin soft or something like that. No, it's always the harsh stuff that feels like you're wiping your nose on a piece of cardboard or steel wool.

Anyways, in case you couldn't tell from my angry, very annoyed rant, I am sick. And not like a legit, Send-me-flowers-in-the-hospital-while-I-lie-there-beautifully-and-serenely-but-terminally-ill sick. No, like a nasty, sneezy, coughy, red-eyed, my-nose-is-bleeding-because-I've-been-sneezing-so-goddamn-much, UGLY sick.

FUCKITY.

I hate sneezing only slightly less than hiccups on the general Scale of Annoying Shit My Body Does, but much more than the occasional fart.

Here's my Scale of Annoying Shit My Body Does

1. Hiccups; WHY?! Can someone please figure this out so we can get a legit cure out there, because the peanut-butter spoon ain't cutting it. I hate hiccups for the sheer reason that I get legitimately angry when they won't go away. Like, punch-a-wall angry. It's pathetic, so I hate the thing that causes it.
2. Sneezing; See above Pissy-Rant and General Bitch Fest.
3. Coughing; Ow. Seriously, if you cough a lot, sometimes you're stomach just gives up and is like, "Well fuck it, if you're going to bounce me around like this, I'm not going to break down this soup you put in me." And then you throw up. From coughing. I hate coughing. Oh also, this one time I had such a bad cough that not only was I puking, but I was puking blood because my throat was so raw from all the coughing. Hell. There's nothing worse than that, unless you had the hiccups from vomiting and somehow you were allergic to something too so you started sneezing. I think I would end up just spontaneously combusting because I'd want to die.
4. Vomiting; Aside from the fact that you can lose quite a bit of weight if you have the flu for long enough, nothing, nothing, nothing good comes from vomiting. Because after you vomit, and you look at your vomit while it's there in the toilet, you always feel like vomiting again because it's so fucking gross.
5. Menstrual Cycling; I hate my ovaries. You do too. If you're a boy, you probably hate your girlfriend's ovaries at least once a month for a week or so. Ovaries suck.
6. Peeing a little when you laugh; Only a little, and you can hide it. Still sucks a little though because either whatever was funny no longer is, or you think the peeing-episode is fucking hilarious and you laugh more, causing you to pee more. Then it sucks a lot.
7. Farting; Only for the embarrassing parts of this. Otherwise, whatever. It feels good afterward, and you know it.
8. Knuckles Cracking When You Don't Try To Make Them Crack; I just think this is stupid. I don't crack my knuckles, and I actually make it a point NOT to crack any part of my body because of the possible fluid build-up that can occur in your joints if you do it too much. So then why does my body decide, "oh hey, let's scare the shit out of her and make awful, bone-breaking noises without being ordered to" ?
I don't know.

Anyways, that's my list. What's yours?

Lots of Love (Despite the Bitch Fest),
Miss Guided-Tissue-Monster-Queen-of-Snot-Bombs